Sorry I'm not blogging very often; still feeling a bit distant/reserved from the blog after the messes with TypePad; and still a bit uncomfortable with its new interface, which is technically better but more complicated (which is of course distracting from the business of actually writing).
An interesting discovery, an uncovering, at my doctor's appointment two and a half weeks ago, which I've been thinking about a lot. The HIV consultant told me that the arthritic symptoms in my right hand – and, more importantly, depression symptoms – are increasingly regarded as being typical of hepatitis C. And he prefaced all this by saying he had been nervous – did he say 'scared'? – about telling me all of this....
Very odd, to me, but illuminating. It is odd that he would not want to tell me all this – out of, I suppose, concerns about predisposing me to depression? many doctors think that way – given that I talk about symptoms, experiences, problems, quite bluntly, clearly, professionally, with him and with the medical students we give presentations to, and to the psychologist. I'm practically a professional (although of course I did become a 'difficult' patient for two months this spring over the questions of treatment and its implications).
Of course what this actually means is the opposite of what he was worried it would mean – the information is liberating, calming. Think about it: if depression is a common symptom of hepatitis C – not a result of worrying about the infection, but actually a result of the infection itself – then much of my depression since I was diagnosed with it in the fall of 2000, and possibly some time before (it is impossible to say when I was infected – it could be any time back to the late 1970s – and it is hard to say exactly when the virus might have had an effect on me before my first 'acute' presentation around November 2000) is not a function of my own weakness, my own loneliness, the gray skies of Newcastle, the isolations of Hong Kong and Newcastle, the disaster of the Australian career collapse: it is a symptom, something that happens in the body as a result of the infection.
Yes, of course: I know that the causes are all mixed in together, and that the gray dimness of my life since arriving here in 2002 has created a lot of grayness inside me. But the liberatory side of it, the sense of distancing and objectification of the insidious depression: the sense that it has a source which is outside of me – that is very freeing, a great relief, and it gives me a valuable place to stand, from which I can perhaps have more control over, more impact on, my own life.
Not that I'm interested in psychotropic drugs – I still don't trust them, though they're better than they used to be. But the sense that I can perhaps strive against depression (which, in any case, I haven't felt much this year) without striving against myself gives me extra strength....
***
And it is a rainy Sunday: but I would like to get work done. Before the alarm went off I'd already done some rather professionalized dream interpretation, using Johnson's Inner Work to help me.
And did I mention that I have this new, imagined, not completely impossible goal: that I could study to be a Jungian analyst?... although Jung liked for analysts to have already had other careers, and to be at least thirty years old or so, my age and problematic health prognoses may make this an implausible career aim. But the idea that I could do such a thing is rather fun to play with....
A Jungian Analyst?
LORD! Save us all!
Let's chat privately sometime about depression. It took me years to manage it and find the right drugs, which, if you recall, I was loathe to take an aspirin... Lord, those days are long gone as I gulp down a handful of strangely almost all white pills. Could someone at Pfizer (sp?) PLEASE wake up and tell them we like pretty colors? It helps when you drop your big mess on the floor too. I understand that realizing depression as a cause and effect of Hep-C is in itself freeing and helpful in acceptance and moving on with tit. But, the white elephant remains, damn him!!! Similar to (OK, I admit it!) when I have a herpes outbreak coming on (YES, THERE!!!) I know beforehand because I get crabby and irratable (sp? Hey, it's 4 AM and like you, my sleeping habits are horrible!). OK, I get crabbier. If I can offer ANY insight from my own experiences with anxiety and depression, please, email me and when I am able (moving in six weeks or so from beautiful New Jersey to Arizona!) I will fill you in.
My personal goal (before becoming a Jungian Analyst...elbow. elbow) is to beef up from my 200 lbs (my ideal weight) to a muscledaddy weight of 220-230 within a year of moving to AZ. For ME. Not for vanity, for it is proven that lean muscle extends our lives (wicked as we are!) more than the little fat I have left (and that's on my liver!).
Other goals: to live again through my art (We were roomies when I last painted in 1993!)and to begin writing again and when completed, find a publisher for my book. The working title: "Here, Judy! Take these! A self-help guide to the newly diagnosed HIV/AIDS". I'm amenable to changes in the title with one exception. "Here, Judy! Take these!" must remain!
Again, drop a note and I will fill you up and in if you wish on my experience and final great resolution(s) to depression and anxiety (bad, bad panic attacks post-diagnosis...like a bawling baby at work. I hang my head in mock shame!) - perhaps something within my tale(s) may assist you. Or not, you Jung man you!
And, reminder, COME VISIT ARIZONA ANYTIME!!!
Posted by: Paul P | August 22, 2008 at 09:32 AM
PS RE: Your comment on "the idea that I could do such a thing is rather fun to play with..." I'll send you an Etch-A-Sketch. Play with that. You know I love you more than my luggage, Jung man!
I send you big hugs.... it's been too long! A lifetime in certain ways... hell, I'm a newbie with a diagnosis date of 7 July 6, 2001. Hey, I admired you enough to try and follow in your footsteps... *giggle*
Posted by: Paul P | August 22, 2008 at 09:36 AM