Irritable today... after spending too much money on things I don't really want, while feeling pushed from one thing to another – £750 for the privilege of staying in the UK, £440 for new glasses with frames I don't quite like. Phone calls to government agencies and chain stores, lots of voicemail and people apologizing but-it's-out-of-their-hands. Feeling at the effect of systems, administrations, corporations, institutions: a university that treats me offhandedly, saving money on me when it can; the governments that don't really want me in one country or another....
Big, sloppy, greedy, belching organizations.
At what point in one's career is there enough money, or respect or control of situations, that this isn't a constant aspect of contact with any organization?
Or perhaps it is a cluster of unsettled, frustrating dreams I don't even – quite – remember.
Last night was a pretty good conversation with David R., who always wants to talk about his Zen readings these days. These conversations are often several steps above any others available to me – though they are often a bit too abstract; it would be good if we could manage to be less conceptual about awareness, and about what really matters, and somehow state it in more concrete, more immediate terms.
Perhaps that's all it is: that any glimpse of trying to live a more adequate or real or sensible life clashes with the somewhat tiresome one that I've got instead....
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