So work on articles and book has dribbled to – not quite nothing, but very little. And, caught on the prongs of guilt over not keeping up with my energetic co-editor, I find myself reading pointless comics (Hellblazer) and light books... in between bits of Improving Literature, such as Jungians on dream work and Boice on, well on not procrastinating.
Hmm. Where does this sense of myself as bad – wicked, careless, slothful, useless – come from so strongly? All embedded in the general context of endless reading, reading like stuffing my face with junk food, and being criticized for the addiction or indulgence it represents.
Admittedly, if I'm going to waste time, reading Hellblazer is perhaps a bad idea, with its violence, darkness, cynicism and prevailing atmosphere of the general wickedness ascribed to both hell and heaven. That may be where I'm getting this strange resonance – as though my procrastination is tied to something in me that is all about feeling bad about myself. As though I can't work because I'm not worth doing the work, or something peculiar and not particularly sensible like that.
As though some stupid thing some adult said to me when I was young, or some misinterpreted situation from which I drew some neurotic conclusion, is running me....
Which is, of course, probably the case. Sigh. Onward....
P.:
I read this recent post, having thought about you a lot, especially lately. To this day, I miss our debates and your 'older brotherly advice' you so often offered. You wise and wicked man you! YOU wrote this post? Did I hear a self-doubt? Hey, don't be so hard on yourself as is our nature. Some adult likely did scold you about procrastination. So... as I recall, I always admired your dedication even whilst I knew you felt like ice cream on the sunny sidewalk of life! You got up, wrote, chatted, and enjoyed your life as well you should. Hey, if you put one thing off, and had a celebration of sorts where you did something horribly selfish i.e. watched a silly program on the telly (that's TV to us stoopid americans... Gee, GW Bushie sure has helped dumb down us ain't he?) and if you had fun, so what? Did the world stop? Did Skynet become self-aware (Terminator movies reference)? Wow. P. had a moment. Good for you pal! You DESERVE it. You put out for a lot of people over the years I've known you (let me re-phrase that!) and if I learned anything from my years and years and years of mental health therapy, is that it's OK to be a little selfish from time to time. I was selfish outwardly recently when I blew a wad of cash on my new tattoo. It's too cool! Drop me an email and I'll send a pic!
I apologize for not checking in on you (Poor soul! However did you get along without me? HEH HEH!) sooner, but you always remain in my thoughts. Oh, as of mid-October, I will advise you of my new address in Phoenix, AZ. COME VISIT ANYTIME!!! Big lug hugs, Paul
Posted by: Paul P. (the old roommate with the strange sounding similar surname!) | August 22, 2008 at 09:10 AM