... on the other hand.. perhaps I should just get back to work. Or perhaps I really need more rest. Or...
Too many years of interest in psychology, including pop psychology, including of course any possible interpretation of my own psychology, and interest in many ideas of productivity and success, or happiness, or, well, I don't know, any peculiarly labeled combination of these and a number of loosely associated concepts – also all combined with an upbringing that echoed elements of Protestantism, Catholicism, and Orthodox cultures, all of which have strong and conflicting opinions about all these things – make every possible interpretation, every plan, every decision, all too easy to doubt.
And then there's the complex interface of health and living, of body vs. opinion: feeling better, then feeling worse; going for a long walk to a new bookstore, a pleasant small meal in a book-lined café around the corner, then walking home – but unfortunately climbing the steep stairs in the park near my house with a backpack full of books was a bad idea, since I managed to, once again, strain the muscles that were cut in the operation – my right abdomen aches now, rather a lot, again – which means I'm not really taking proper care of myself – but then, what exactly is proper care?...
Wanting to do the right thing: the right thing for the book(s), the right thing for my body, the right thing for my research, the right thing for colleagues who are waiting for work, the right thing for myself. But never being quite sure exactly what that right thing is – this confusion is typical of me, it's built into my nature; but it's still frustrating....
It's part of the system. Perhaps it is the system.
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