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You didn't really think you were having strokes, did you.
Well, if memory – no, I suppose not; there would be other symptoms?
Yes, there would. So: dissociation.
But more dissociation than I should expect, yes? That sense over the last few months, from the last year – more connected, more of myself aware of myself –
Yes.
But if I'm dissociating: if I pick up my watch and go to wipe it off, then come back to that little table near the stairs carrying a couple of bags, and don't pick up the wallet and keys –
Which isn't that strange.
No, okay. But if I'm more self-aware, more self-connected, why would I be dissociating? Unpredictably?
You mean you don't normally do that?
Well perhaps I do, but...
Everyone does, it's not such a problem.
I get that, but I'm not happy with it. I don't need the ego to be in charge all the time, but... at least there should be fairly consistent communication between levels?
Maybe, maybe not. This reminds me of the downstairs bedroom –
Alone, away from the rest of the family. Creativity but disconnection, those blank books with calligraphy and poems, my sisters' drawings, and also their encouragement.
And then the university interview –
Where it's clear that my notes and sketches are trivial, fantasies, they think it's all crap – I haven't drafted an opera, I've just messed about with pieces of paper.
So creativity splits away, falls into the unconscious.
I told you about the depression when I got the letter, that I wasn't accepted – going to bed for more than a day, something you just don't do in my family.
Well, dissociation... so, forgetting things.
And not keeping my attention on things: when I had friends over to dinner last Thursday, I forgot the onions – I was making a risotto – fortunately I asked R. for help, she fried them up in time and it was fine. And I didn't get as angry, as disoriented, as I used to when I screwed up with guests.
Dissociation?
At some point in talking to all these people, I just lost track – I wasn't going from one step to the next, I skipped one. Dissociated. I distract easily, and in the kitchen if I get distracted I can completely lose the –
This is part of your dissociative psyche; as you become more comfortable with parts of yourself it happens more – there is a kind of relaxation about it.
So, this is the price of being more involved with people and activities again – which I haven’t done very much for a decade, or more. Socializing at parties, and performing on stage: that wish to be seen.
But you hold back when you meet guys in a way that frustrates you…
When the Italian guy caught up to me in the mall, asked how the dinner had gone, I was a bit incoherent – cheerful, but babbling – probably he didn't notice. But that's twice in the last month: I think they see me and say, hmm, attractive, then look again and see old, out of shape. Positive. They're still interested, but... less so.
I'm going to disagree with you on that, again.
Well, nobody agrees with me about that, I still won't let go of it. So, when dissociation happens, it doesn't need to be a kind of blankness, it can be a presence in the world – the sensual, sensate world, or social or enjoyable – but one that doesn’t keep track of things. Doesn't need to keep track of things. Like Deleuze and Guattari – not paranoid, so a bit schizoid.
Oh, Giegerich’s take on dissociation in the neurosis book – denial, etc. –
But Giegerich gets trapped in consistency, which is very important for him. Not for me, I think he overdoes it.
Moments, or rhythms, of greater attention, then.
Connections between forgetfulness and control, social connections to attractive men, and getting up in the middle of the night to get some writing done… I was surprised last night, it was a good draft of an abstract.
You're still paying attention to nearby things, to important things: as opposed to drafting out a whole opera without focusing on the details, which seems to be the other extreme.
I have a lot of values and associations around the intuitive function – more than thinking or the other functions… many of my life stories of success or failure are tied to intuition, and its success or failure; I identify with intuition, which I suppose is linked to dissociation. I guess intuition is my secret love…
You share that with many Jungians!
It does have a magical quality… as though, is there even any such thing as intuition? See: I don’t check in with immigration in Australia – and my life is wrecked. Faustian, unreality, fantasy, dissociation… because I am depending on intuition: a sensate person would remember, as Faust does not, that there are steps to follow, debts to pay. A sensate person would keep track of things.
A bit harsh, but all right. So: what will you do when the Italian guy speaks to you again?...
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