So: although it has been a bad year – illness, anxiety, possible collapse of plans, disconnected from a culturally suicidal Britain, feeling cornered by the future – hospital, new medications, side effects –
that year is now having a big Hollywood ending: after three or four days of some of the worst side effects I remember ever having, they are suddenly dissolving with bizarre rapidity – headaches and allergic reactions become transitory, suddenly milder, nausea vanishes, reflux decreasing, head clears.
Soaring violins as the sun rises behind THE END.
It is clear that there is a very, very real difference between those October-August medications, and these that I have been taking for a week now: that vicious drain of energy is simply – absent. The body feels oddly whole, defined, out to its edges – I hadn't realised how long it had been since I felt quite like that.
And I sleep so deeply! It is strange – I had forgotten what it was to fall into a deep sleep, no restlessness.
Not to mention – if I may say this – when I urinate, it is a strangely pale yellow – I keep catching another look to see what's wrong: where has all the blood gone?...
It's nearly a year since that's been the case!
•••
Today I was a little shaky still, but it didn't feel weak, disturbing – more like part of a gradual recovery.
In fact, I saw my analysands today! – I'd warned them that I might have a short session, but lasted throughout, and was fine.
•••
Of course, the abrupt evaporation of my psoriasis is still distinctly weird – transformative? –
All right, I'll bite: is this one of those movies where we gradually figure out that I'm actually dead now, which is why everything suddenly seems to be so easy?
I guess that's a bit of a cliché since The Sixth Sense....
•••
I still feel a more ruthless, more self-centred relationship to my job, to the university, to Britain, than I did before: a sense of urgency to make changes remains, though there is more space around it.
I will continue with the Occupational Health interview for the university – I'll tell them things are much better, but I still want a report and examination on file.
In relation to the university, the government, the Institut, I am now feeling a bit more 'what is this organisation doing for me?' than I have been for some time: so many systems and structures are so skilled at telling us that we owe them, deluding us that we should organise our lives and decisions and happiness around making sure that All Of Their Work Gets Done.
After twenty years of business and nineteen years of universities, enough: let's draw some boundaries. The university gets what it pays for, the Institute gets just what it requires...
And I will tell them to take care of what I want, now.
And try to get to something – something new.
•••
I have thought, several times in the past few months: even when I've felt ill and anxious, the times when I was sitting with my analysands felt right: like something I wanted to do, whatever other things might dissolve.
Of course all of them protested, in one way or another, that if I needed to cancel it was fine: but I said no, and I meant it.
•••
... It may seem peripheral, but – the vanishing of the psoriasis: that is just so bizarre –
when things change, that we already know will never change –
It's like healing.
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