Feeling a bit better today, less morose and apprehensive... so now I suppose I need to apologize to, and reconnect with, various people I've pushed away or ignored over the past week.
It still seems a bit difficult to reconstruct my expectations, my patterns, since the stroke... I have had some of this panic around hep C, interferon treatments, the burst appendix, etc., that is to say: a certain tragic paranoia about my health and longevity is always present, but it is usually put away in a box on an upper shelf. Then, when something entirely new and awful goes wrong, the box falls off the shelf and spills out, all over everything....
I dislike having multiple health concerns. There, I've said it.
It has been sunny, about 70%, which in this part of the world is considered balmy; people are walking around in pseudo-California wear (although their exposed bits are admittedly very pale). It looks like summer, like vacation; the nearby Italian restaurant is comfortable and relaxed, my favorite insanely handsome waiter has cut his hair exceptionally short (the look doesn't suit him, but he's good-looking enough that it doesn't really matter).
Actually, it's been sunny and warm for much of the past three weeks, unusually so for this part of the world – but of course as I had a fever, and/or was in the hospital, my sense of all that as pleasurable or attractive was fairly vague. In any case I was not as pleased about it as I am today, when everything has just a hint of that lovely California quality.
I wonder if it would be a good thing to go to Spain or Italy for a week in August? It would cheer me up; and of course my vacations in the past couple of years have tended to be cancelled or wrecked because of various illnesses, so nobody can say I don't deserve it. An interesting possibility.
I want to be back home in California, among friends... I want to live in Sydney with a boyfriend, and many mates and parties... I want to live in Sitges in an apartment near Chris, and go down to the beach to drink and eat slowly in the afternoon, shaded from the hot sun. I want an apartment in Las Ramblas, in Barcelona, from which I can wander through the little streets. I want...
Or... I want someone to share the summer with. Any summer, anywhere.
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