A difficult day after a difficult night: not much sleep resulted in a chaos of thoughts, worries. Can I really afford this, this adventure in Küsnacht? Is it a good time to be starting such a program, am I sure that I can do the work, that I won't tire and fail?
Of course I can't, and of course I'm not. But I already know all that: I am doing it because it is the only way anything at all will make sense. It is an adventure: and one that is both not very wise, and at the same time the wisest move of all.
In thinking of flights in June, hotels, how can I save money on accommodations, I realize: ah, I could take a train across Europe – would that be more expensive or cheaper?
In any case, it would make me more European: I would be a little bit closer to that world I love, the hat, the glasses, the dignified bearing while getting my luggage to the train...
And I declaim, aloud, while getting into the bathtub of hot oiled water: "I, Ashenbach"... and laugh, realizing I am the only one who can hear the tympani, and the halo of strings.
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