Last Wednesday, after a long day, I went out with Patrick to his favorite pub; we talked to acquaintances of his who turned out to be charming, intelligent and friendly, went on to a club, and stood around on the outside balcony (recently expanded for the newly exiled UK smokers) until closing time at 3 am.
P. kept commenting that it was so strange that I was so cheerful, talkative, involved, and above all awake. It was almost – slightly – embarrassing that he thought this was such a change but, as I told him, I used to be this way all the time; or, if not all the time, at least much of the time. When I was younger... I often went out to restaurants, bars, clubs; and sometimes I would indeed get tired and go home (I've never been a power partier – both a matter of physical energy and a low boredom threshold for many people and places), but often I would enjoy myself and stay up late.
Perhaps I'm thinking about it too much, but I can't help but wonder: after a day where there was some coffee, and tea, and champagne; and a fairly healthy dinner; should I be pleased – excited – interested, at least, that I was so energetic for so long, without feeling ill or miserable?... and of course I'm fairly sure this is all in the context of, not only the bright thrills of a warm midsummer, but also the gradual detoxification of my body that seems to be happening in the wake of the reformulation of my Kaletra last November.
Friday: a brief drink with Bennett and Merrie turned into a light dinner, and more drinks, and talking, talking, talking. Much fun – they're always interesting (and they kindly let me tell story after story about myself, which always makes people seem even more interesting). Home after 11:30; and still not really tired....
Then last night, dinner for all three of them; though I didn't go out late with Patrick (after midnight?), I could have – and I wasn't completely wrecked, exhausted, irritable, by the time everyone left.
The biochemical roots of energy, of behavior: I know, of course, how vast these can be – from HIV medications, from interferon and an anti-depressant I had to take with it, from thyroid failure and wobbly metabolism. It's just rather strange to think: is my experience of the past years not merely affected by my medications – but entirely contingent on it? What if I were – to some small extent – occasionally – to become young-ish again, happy-ish again?...
A vast, and for me pregnant, question.
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