The weather is changeable, and... so am I. (Hmm, another version of a phrase I've used before.)
Chilly but bright autumn days; then dark gray days that move into winter. And I'm similar – I did finish editing the three articles; a mixture of satisfaction and mild frustration (the third article is from ten years ago with some rather old and slightly problematic ideas, and I'm a bit doubtful about having it published, but oh well).
I'm sleepy and kind of drained – not up to really articulating most of this – but, some of the passing thoughts I keep chasing round and round:
(a) me and people – why are there stresses and hostility, why are there points when suddenly people you thought you liked turn on you, and of course: am I just paranoid or are people difficult? Why – and it probably didn't do me any good to read certain stories in the past couple of days that emphasized people as manipulators, as liars, as sociopaths – are so many people capable of justifying themselves when they do twisted or dishonorable things? And – although I'm trying, as always, to be as self-critical in this as I can – what are the points where it's my fault, or where it's not my fault? Because, even when I think I know which is which, it's so easy to change my mind....
(b) me and my body – why am I sometimes tired, why am I sometimes in good mood, sometimes in a bad one? I always want causality in these matters – something identifiable, and therefore something I can change – but I can't always discover causes. Perhaps weather and reality are sufficient reasons.
In any case, I've gone to winter bedding – from what I think of as 'American style' (smooth sheets, thin blanket, cover, afghan knitted by my grandmother) to 'European style' (fuzzy sheets, duvet). Always a strange and sensual change, in either direction – although it is almost too warm now.
Weather, body, mood, mind: light and dark. It's not enough to see it as arbitrary (how merely materialistic), but I'm seldom sufficiently certain of causes – and the uncertainty always leaves me anxious...
a bit.
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